To Know Me
by Allenfay Angelway
Summary: Sirius gets hold of Remus' diary and what he finds isn't what he expects. Very bad ending sorry


Author's Note: What you need to know, this is when James, Sirius and Remus are at school 4th or 5th year it's not really important. It's not based totally on Harry Potter facts that we know from the books but is just an inside look at Remus and James' relationship * As friends not slash *. Please review.  
  
To Know Me  
  
Remus scribbled contently in his notebook a little away from his two friends who sat head to head in deep discussion as they planed another night time raid on the kitchens. Remus smiled at the excited whispers of his friends but then continued his writing as he had only just gotten over the recent full moon and did not feel like talking to people yet, he pondered on what he had written:  
  
Please learn to love me I am more than what you see I am better than what I become Please understand me someone  
  
Don't believe all you hear Lies made up from fears Please learn to love me I'm more than you see  
  
Anger consumed his soul as he read the words, what a stupid wish, what a stupid thing to write he though to himself, he took his quill and scribbled across the words in black ink and turned the page to see what he had written last time he wrote which was before the full moon and scrawled across the page in his writing was the simple phrase, "WHY ME?" Huh, he though to himself what a stupid thing to say. This was his diary and as much as he hated it he still wrote in it, he hated what he wrote because when he re-read it as he often did, he felt stupid, foolish and knew the truth behind the words and even though he knew it to be his very heart an soul he hated what it said and hated himself for writing it.  
  
The library door swung open and Snape, possibly one of the most hated boys in their grade, swaggered into the room looking very pleased with himself. He marched around a bit smirking and then strolled over to Remus clearly looking for trouble, what's this he asked taking Remus by surprise and grabbing the notebook from his grip. Remus was up in a second closely followed by James and Sirius sprang to the need of their friend. Give it back cried Remus lunging at Snape but Sirius was quicker of the mark with his wand and with a quick flick the book shot from Snape's hand into Sirius's. Remus decided this was not much better and as he approached Sirius to get it back the bell rang for class and a crowd of people rushed past them leaving the library, James had grabbed Sirius and was heading for the exit and Remus saw Sirius tuck the book into his top pocket. Fear consumed him and he found himself running to class in a panic trying to reach Sirius before he read the book. Even though there were no secrets between the friends and they knew Remus was a werewolf they also knew Remus as a happy person who studied hard and was cleaver, he did not want anyone to know the dark secrets of his heart.  
  
When Remus finally reached the class he was the last one there and Sirius and James were sitting together at the far side of the room and he was forced to sit with a boy he didn't know away from them. History of Magic was boring and as Remus scribbled notes he kept and eye on Sirius who was not concentrating on class and had just taken the book from his pocket. Remus's heart froze, what should he do, shout out, secretly stun Sirius, wild thoughts continued through his mind even as he watched Sirius open the book to a random page and start to read. Remus saw the expression on his face change, his eyes became intense and the colour drained from his face, Remus could not imagine which terrible childhood secret or disturbed memory Sirius had just read but from his expression it wasn't nice. Without looking towards Remus Sirius started to flick to other pages pausing on some skipping others. Remus felt numb and as the numbness left he felt something new, something he hadn't expected to feel, was that relief. Relief that maybe finally someone would known, would see, would Sirius read his life away and come to comfort him? Remus left his desk quietly informing the class he felt unwill and was going to see Madam Pomfrey, Sirius, he noticed did not look up.  
  
Sirius heard Remus excuse himself from class but was disgusted and astounded at what he read and let him go unnoticed. He concentrated on the pages before him and continued reading a diary entry from the summer holidays they had just returned from:  
  
.only two days to my return to Hogwarts, it could not have come any sooner. My mum left last week, who can blame her but did she have to leave me behind. They did not know I was watching, my parents, as my father came home drunk again and the fighting began.he hit her once, then started again.over and over, I am so weak, why did I not step in, she ran from the house.of course my turn was not far away.werewolf he shouts as he comes up the stairs a smile on his face he grabbed my arm and threw me, I hate him.  
  
Sirius could hardly believe this was his friend he had come to love, he knew none of this, the poetry, the words the stories and secrets, he could understand why Remus did not talk about it but they could have helped him. He forced himself to read just one more page before he headed down to the great hall for tea:  
  
The beast inside Drinking up the light Scars my life Causes the pain It consumes me Let it die To take the hurt away Free me Or if not Just let it die and take me to.  
  
Sirius chocked, Remus was still in the hospital wing, how could they have not seen this he thought and closed the book.  
  
* * *  
  
Remus returned to the common room later that night. Everyone was sitting around up late because it was Friday and there was no worry of school tomorrow. Lupin busied himself in the corner of the room with the work he'd missed in History of Magic whilst Sirius, who kept throwing Remus worried looks listened to James make plans on how to impress Lilly, the "love of his life" as he referred to her as. Slowly the crowd filtered from the room leaving Remus working away in the corner and Sirius watching the fire burn out. "Remus old mate." enquired Sirius cautiously. His friend did not look up. "Oh, come on don't be mad at me," Sirius rose from his seat by the fire and crossed the room to sit opposite his friend. "Look I know I shouldn't have read your private diary" he began, "but you know what, I'm pleased I did, Remus I had no idea you felt this way or about your parents or any of that, you know all you had to do was ask and me or James both would help you out when ever you like. You don't have to keep all tis from us, were your friends, we want to help its what were her for." Sirius who had been practicing what to say all afternoon took a breath and waited for Remus' reaction and was stunned to see tears trickling down his friends face. Sirius opened his mouth not knowing what to say and held the book to Remus who was starting to sob, "You.don't.hate.me", he managed to get out between the tears. Sirius was astounded, "of course not, why would I, what do you mean Remus?" he asked confused and worried. Remus looked up into the deep dark eyes of his friend and realised what was there was total trust, support, why hadn't he seen it before. "Sirius." he started, "don't you see how stupid I am, for how I feel, for what I write, for being me?" Sirius leapt up and seized Remus into a hug, which started his crying all over again, "of course not, I don't think your stupid at all and neither does James, we will help you through this, I will help you through this, you don't have to be alone," and he picked up the diary from the desk and held it so Remus could see it, "you don't have to write in this you can tell me all about it instead." And with that Sirius cast the book into the fire.  
  
As Remus watched it burn he felt relief, it was like his old life of loneliness was being burn away and with Sirius by his side he felt stronger, he felt better and above all he felt understood the one thing he had always wanted, he smiled through the tears and from that moment on Remus knew the importance of his friends.  
  
Note: Ok so that was a terrible ending but I just wanted to finish it because I'm sick of writing long stories I can't finish. So sorry about that I don't think I will write any more. However, please review/email me and tell me what you think is anyone else annoyed that there are no deeply emotional female characters, I know there are some, maybe I'm wrong, I don't really think Sirius and Remus would have acted like I just said they did. I'm thinking about writing Sirius's diary if anyone is interested in that let me know. If anyone wants anything in particular written and doesn't want to/can't be bothered or can't write it themselves I'll do it (I'm at work and trust me I'm board I need something to do!) Just email me and let me know I'm happy to write a dream for you! 


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